Eleven days...

...twenty.

I can't believe I'm going to be twenty! I never thought I'd make 18, and here I am, fixin to be 20. There are times I don't want to make it any farther...times when I remember...times when I hurt. But then life gets in the way and not making it isn't an option.

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Turning 18 was hard because he promised me that we'd do all those things you can only do when your 18: buy porn, cigarettes, go clubbing...

But gettin closer to 21 is killing me...

He promised me that when I turned 21, he'd throw me a party that I'd never remember, if you get my drift. So now...I'm nearly a year from the promise and...just thinkin about it...makes me wish that not making it was an option...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* My mother's birthday was always the day after mine...On her birthday, when she was pregnant with my little sister, we went to see "City Slickers" (yes, Alex is 12!) and in the middle, my mother's appendix started causin problems...I remember because she thought that it was indigestion from the popcorn that we always got at movies and had her top button on her jeans unbuttoned...that birthday sticks out, for some reason, but others...

It was kinda cool having a birthday close to my mother's, because we actually hung out around that time...one year, we went to Sea World-San Diego...another year, we had our birthday's in a foreign country...

No more birthdays with her...never again...I'm sad.

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I talked to my father a couple days ago...he was in California...my little sister had called me, which was nice, and we talked for a little...I told her to tell my dad to call me so he did...I asked him if I was gonna be able to come up in August and he was like, "Well, September would be better..."

Dad, September is three months from Christmas...why don't I just wait? Or hell, why don't I just hold my breath and wait until YOU come visit ME? You'll let your precious ballerina daughter come visit you...you can go visit my brother and other sisters...me? I'm the black sheep! Why would you want to come see me? I'm finally making it on my own in the world, but you won't see that...you think I'm still down the block, waiting for you to call to fix your computer...You're still waiting for me to call you and ask to borrow money because you think I'm an ungrateful, spoiled child... I hope you realize before its too late that the one daughter who was always on your side, unconditionally, misses her daddy...

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I might be gettin some ink soon...I'm excited. A small bright spot in the dark...but hey, even if its small, its better than nothing, right? And I might be getting the windows in my car tinted for my birthday, so that's happy.

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Thanks, Amanda and Aaron, for the early birthday wishes!

Thanks, Faithly, for getting my b'day off, but I'm not entirely sure your lapse is over...guess we'll see...but it doesn't sound like it! *le sigh*

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On another note, I'm 29% white trash! Yay! I got the quiz from xeran and I think that everyone should take it! I'm also 42% addicted to the internet and 97.5% redneck! Yay, go me!

Yesterday ~*~ Tomorrow