Pretty, aren't they?

This is how I feel...
...crying so hard, my eyes bleed.

I want this...love...romance...someone who desires me and needs me as I need him...

She’s got that needin’ somebody, wantin’ somebody who
Will treat her like somebody for once in her life
She’s lonely for love
Is that asking too much
For someone to treat her right
She’s got that lonely, needin’ lovin’, wantin’ somebody look in her eyes

I had a job interview today at my favorite store! Torrid is THE coolest store! For those of you who know what Hot Topic is and enjoy it, this store is like that only SO much better because it caters to bigger girls...like moi! *grin* So, I turned in my application on Tuesday, Jada, the assistant manager, said to come back at 4 Thursday (today, err...yesterday?) for an interview and then I had to take a phone interviewy thingy...and then I have to call back on Saturday! Everyone cross your fingers for me and wish with all your might that I get the job! It doesn't pay well, but I so don't care! Its worth it just to be in the environment...not to mention the discount!

I'm looking forward to Christmas because I get to go home and I get to see my brother, who I only see once a year if I'm lucky! He and I are really close...scarily close since we only met five years ago, but hey, it only takes a minute...or so they say.

One thing I'm not looking forward to...my older sister and her fiance will be there. I haven't talked to Suzy since last Christmas...and I'm not sure how well this year will go. She holds onto things and we've never really gotten along. She's eleven years older than me and she was my mother and father's golden child...Guess we'll see how it goes.

I wish my family would just fix all the problems we have and be able to have one Christmas with all of my siblings, but since one is an alcoholic who's out of touch with everyone and another is avoiding everyone except her own family...that's not likely. I miss all my siblings...yes, even Suzy.

Ronda, aka Red, won't talk to my father because he bought my brother, Darrin, an avocado ranch in Southern Cali and she's hurt. Red and D are biological brother and sister; my dad had them with his first wife and then left them all for my mother.

My mother'd had Stephanie, the alcoholic, and Kristian, the disabled melodramatic child psycho-therapist, by the time she met my dad and he raised them as his own, never looking back until a decade ago, when he started making it up to his own two children.

My mother and my father had Suzy, the prima-ballerina, and Alex, the athletic poster child now being raised by my father, and adopted me in between.

So, let's count, shall we? Let's see...Red, D, Steffy, Krissy, Suzy, Alex and moi? Hmm, I think that's 7! No, we're not mormon...just very dys-fuck-tional!

I miss my mommy.

I've been talking to a dear friend, Double-Life, lately and I gave him some advice...he's been having trouble letting go of anger and hurt in a situation with an ex-friend and so I told him to write a letter, burn it, and let it go. I've done that a lot over the years...and mostly, its helped. A lot. But of course, he's being a punk and writing about it in his journal...but then again, I'm a pyro and enjoy burning things! *giggle*

Hope it helps, honeybunny!

I miss Bryan.

I'm lonely.

I'm tired of crying.

I miss him...

...so much.