drmz-of-him's Diaryland Diary

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The missing peace.

Well, hello out there. Yes, I'm still alive...if you can call this living. It's been a while, huh? Geez! June 10th...that was a long time ago.

Let's see...I'm back in school and doing okay, I have a good job that I love, a somewhat decent love life, a couple of good friends...

...so what's missing?

Peace?

Yeah, that could be it. I'm on anti-d's and sleeping meds...interesting combination for me...and I have an ulcer...yummy, eh?

My dad tells me that I make trouble for myself. Everything is going too well and I have to mess that up.

Well, I get it from you, Dad.

He was pretty cool about things when I told him my life was pretty well funked up and that I'd have to start seeing someone and get back on drugs, but then he gets this attitude like..."Suck it up, life's not that bad."

No, I agree...life isn't bad...it's this never-life I'm living. Ya know? Things start going okay for a while and then out of nowhere I get dark, down, and uber-depressed and there's not really much I can do about it.

Have you ever been high? Random, I know...but anyway...have you? Well, I feel high. The drugs my doc prescribed did exactly what she didn't want them to do...she wanted my emotions to level out...instead I sky-rocketed into mania and feel like I'm riding a 76 hour high...I'm afraid of the crash. Oh, and she upped my dosage...imagine that...they're doing the opposite of what she wants so she ups my dosage...and ups the dosage on my sleeping pills...does anyone else see anything wrong with that?

But...I'm not suicidal or anything, so I guess that's good. No one's wanting to commit me...so that's good, too.

You know when you say you're depressed and need to talk to someone and the first question they ask is "are you having any suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself?" and you say no, so the second thing they ask is "do you wish to harm others?"? How do you tell them "I wish harm on others all the time" without them wanting to commit you for being a threat to yourself and/or others? Hmm...interesting question.

Oh, and I'm having knee surgery in December. In case anyone wanted to know.

So, I guess for the most part...I'm okay. Not great, but okay.

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"It's All Over"

Your bottles' almost empty
You know this can't go on
Because of you my mind is always racing
The needles' breaking your skin
The scar is sinking in
And now your trip begins but
It's all over for
It's all over for

You
For you
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over for you
For you
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over

I know what runs through your blood
You do this all in vain
Because of you my mind is always racing
And it gets under my skin
To see you giving it
And now your trip begins but
It's all over for
It's all over for

You
For you
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over for you
For you
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over

And now you're dead inside
Still you wonder why
It's all over
And now you're dead inside
Still you wonder why
It's all over

And now you're dead inside
Still you wonder why
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over for (You, for you)
And now you're dead inside
Still you wonder why
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over for (You, for you)
And now you're dead inside
Still you wonder why
It's all over